It has recently come to my attention that the famously nymphomaniacal 'Sex at Oxbridge' blogger has been giving the misleading impression that life at Oxford and Cambridge consists of little more than a fair bit of vaginal penetration, interspersed with hours of essay-writing. This is patently untrue, except for that second bit. My aim in this blog is to give a more representative account of life at Oxbridge for the thousands of single men whose best friend during their university career is inevitably their own penis, and women who, if they ever did have sex as a schoolgirl, have effectively regrown their hymen.
I enjoy thinking about having sex. Loads. If there were a prize for contemplating sex, I'd definitely win. If my penis grew an inch every time I bashed one out to my most attractive Facebook friend, I'd be huge down there. Confusingly, however, aggressive bacne and an addiction to World of Warcraft don't seem to get me any action. But am I upset? Do I sob into my pillow every night? Of course not! Only three days out of seven end in me wanking and crying - not even a majority of nights in a week! There is an upside to being young, free and single!
The best thing about being alone all the time is that not only can I get all my work done each week, I can also fit in at least an hour each day logged in to RedTube. It saves money on clubbing - if not on Kleenex - and there's an emotional kickback too: you never have to worry about being dumped, because you definitely can't break up with your own penis, save for an unpleasant incident with a pair of scissors (or tweezers, if we're being brutally honest). Chlamydia? Forget it! HIV? Negative! Spooning with my own pillow each night, I am reminded of how joyous singledom can be. Pillows don't snore; they don't ask for expensive things; they don't sleep with your best friend: all these things make pillows a more suitable life partner than a real-life person. And when pillows die, you can go to John Lewis and get a new one straight away. Sorted.
All this brings us to the inevitable conclusion that sex is for fools. So stay tuned to hear more about sex-free life at Oxbridge, which will one day make me into a well-rounded individual who almost certainly won't channel their pent-up energy into violent sexual acts in later life.
www.twitter.com/sexlessoxbridge
